April Fools has passed and was just thinking that people often spend so much time trying to plan these grand practical jokes that never seem to pan out. I thought I would help some men come up with a simple practical joke that you can pull off in no time.
First, eat plenty of dairy and anything else that causes havoc on your digestive system. Maybe eat a bowl of chili sprinkled with plenty of cheese and chase that with a bowl of ice cream.
Next, invite some friends over to the house a few hours later.
Let the gas perculate in your lower intestine until you can't take it anymore. Let the loudest fart out that you can possibly imagine. Then rub your crotch to create the illusion that it came from your crotch and not your ass. Then say, "Wow, does it smell like raw tuna in here?"
They will think you queefed, and the look on their face will be priceless. Then yell, "APRIL FOOLS!"
You will laugh and laugh and laugh some more.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Anal Maintenance
So it's opening day, and I noticed that my friend's father Kaz Matsui is out with anal fissures. It sounded painful so I looked it up and found that it is a tear in the anal lining. It's literally tearing a new asshole. It has me thinking of a topic that is very near and dear to my heart.
Anal maintenance.
I remember as a kid when my dad would go off to the bathroom at the ass crack of dawn(no pun intended). My mom would pack him a lunch, and my father would give me a speach telling me that I was the man of the house while he was gone. Then night would come and the door would swing open and my dad would emerge with five o'clock shadow and toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
My roommate in college took it to an entirely new level. He actually would spend his mornings highlighting his material that he would later read in the toilet. Then he would prepare the bathroom by positioning the fan that it would blow on him at just the right angle and laying his reading material consisting of everything from world news to porn in front of him.
Then he would change into his "shitting" clothes. Most people have gym clothes but he had mesh shorts and a green Rolling Rock t-shirt that he changed into just to go to the bathroom. He then would come out and tell us about all the great things he had read and about the consistency and texture of his bowel movements. He was always elated when he had "floaters" as he said they were a sign of good diet and good luck.
It was then I learned about grown men using baby wipes. He claims to be "dingleberry free since '93". This is a man who can talk anal maintenance at depth at dinner parties. It got me thinking. Anal maintenance is really overlooked.
People with outhouses actually use a leaf. I can only imagine waking up one morning and seeing a sunflower growing out my ass. People in India actually shake hands using their left hand as it is said the right is used for wiping. I can't even imagine.
One ply is just like taking a high grain sandpaper to your ass. Do you really want to risk anal fissures or worse? My old roommate says that toilet paper is for peasants. I have to say that I do concur.
I think my father and my roommate had it right though. Take your time and enjoy. Pushing too hard can cause hemorhoids. Take some time to smell the roses....or smell anything other than your fecal matter.
You should also learn some common courtesy. Take a match and always do a courtesy flush.
So to sum it up:
1. Get reading material. Maybe join a book club.
2. Make it a joyous event and take your time
3. Get some baby wipes
4. Courtesy flush always
5. Light a match
Take care of your ass. You were only born with one.
Anal maintenance.
I remember as a kid when my dad would go off to the bathroom at the ass crack of dawn(no pun intended). My mom would pack him a lunch, and my father would give me a speach telling me that I was the man of the house while he was gone. Then night would come and the door would swing open and my dad would emerge with five o'clock shadow and toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
My roommate in college took it to an entirely new level. He actually would spend his mornings highlighting his material that he would later read in the toilet. Then he would prepare the bathroom by positioning the fan that it would blow on him at just the right angle and laying his reading material consisting of everything from world news to porn in front of him.
Then he would change into his "shitting" clothes. Most people have gym clothes but he had mesh shorts and a green Rolling Rock t-shirt that he changed into just to go to the bathroom. He then would come out and tell us about all the great things he had read and about the consistency and texture of his bowel movements. He was always elated when he had "floaters" as he said they were a sign of good diet and good luck.
It was then I learned about grown men using baby wipes. He claims to be "dingleberry free since '93". This is a man who can talk anal maintenance at depth at dinner parties. It got me thinking. Anal maintenance is really overlooked.
People with outhouses actually use a leaf. I can only imagine waking up one morning and seeing a sunflower growing out my ass. People in India actually shake hands using their left hand as it is said the right is used for wiping. I can't even imagine.
One ply is just like taking a high grain sandpaper to your ass. Do you really want to risk anal fissures or worse? My old roommate says that toilet paper is for peasants. I have to say that I do concur.
I think my father and my roommate had it right though. Take your time and enjoy. Pushing too hard can cause hemorhoids. Take some time to smell the roses....or smell anything other than your fecal matter.
You should also learn some common courtesy. Take a match and always do a courtesy flush.
So to sum it up:
1. Get reading material. Maybe join a book club.
2. Make it a joyous event and take your time
3. Get some baby wipes
4. Courtesy flush always
5. Light a match
Take care of your ass. You were only born with one.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
NHL Refs
Did you ever wonder what those orange things were around the arms of the NHL refs? I was always under the impression that they were swimmies that would inflate just in case the ice melted.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Hangovers Are Not A Hoot
I know that I haven't posted in a while, but it has been because of a combination of St. Patrick's day and March Madness. I had a few bad hangovers. Hangovers are an odd phenomenon. Some nights you can go out and drink the liquor cabinet sampler and wake up ready to run a marathon. Other nights you can drink a few beers and wake up contemplating suicide.
Any night you go out you seem to be playing Russian roulette. Will tomorrow do me in?
I have my share of war stories, and I am sure a picture of my withered liver is due to many fun nights I had that I vaguely remember. I thought it would be good now if I could give back and let you know of some ways to help avoid that morning hangover or at least lessen the severity.
1. Buy Chaser pills at your drug store. This was recommended to me by a Doctor who said they hypothetically would work. They have done a great job for me so far. Sure it might be a placebo effect but who the hell cares. Warning: It will make your toilet the day after look like an abandoned hibachi grill at a tailgate.
2. Sneak in a glass of water here and there through the night. Some of your friends might make fun of you, but you can tell them that it's straight vodka. They probably won't even remember making fun of you the next day anyway. It will help you stay hydrated.
3. Keep some Pedialite in your fridge. Drink some before you go to bed if you can remember. This will keep you from getting dehydrated.
4. Eat eggs. The same doctor who recommended the Chaser pills also told me to do this. There is some kind of enzyme in eggs that helps prevent hangovers or something. I am not talking about eggs that women ovulate, I am talking about the kinds from chickens. There are plenty of all night diners.
5. Buy some vitamin-B complex and aspirin. The aspirin will help with the headache and the vitamin B actually speeds up the metabolism of alcohol in your system. This will hopefully shorten the length of the hangover while also giving you some much needed energy.
6. Throw up and steam. If you are feeling nauseous then just get it over with. You will feel better after. Try to have a hot steamy shower so you can sweat the booze out of your pores. I personally smell like a cheap brewery the next day. I can shower five times and still smell of it. You can only sweat it out.
7. Just keep drinking. I worked with a guy one summer that said he never got a hangover because he just wouldn't sober up. Have a hair of the dog. He used to carry around mouthwash and just drink it. It did the trick for him, and I am sure it did wonders for his dental hygiene.
8. Drink clear booze. The clearer the booze, the less the impurities in it. I am just telling you what I heard.
Or maybe you just shouldn't drink. That never seems to happen though. Think about it though. Everyone is so drunk and slow while you are working at full capabilities. It's like you would be in the matrix. It works in theory anyway.
Happy drinking!!!
Any night you go out you seem to be playing Russian roulette. Will tomorrow do me in?
I have my share of war stories, and I am sure a picture of my withered liver is due to many fun nights I had that I vaguely remember. I thought it would be good now if I could give back and let you know of some ways to help avoid that morning hangover or at least lessen the severity.
1. Buy Chaser pills at your drug store. This was recommended to me by a Doctor who said they hypothetically would work. They have done a great job for me so far. Sure it might be a placebo effect but who the hell cares. Warning: It will make your toilet the day after look like an abandoned hibachi grill at a tailgate.
2. Sneak in a glass of water here and there through the night. Some of your friends might make fun of you, but you can tell them that it's straight vodka. They probably won't even remember making fun of you the next day anyway. It will help you stay hydrated.
3. Keep some Pedialite in your fridge. Drink some before you go to bed if you can remember. This will keep you from getting dehydrated.
4. Eat eggs. The same doctor who recommended the Chaser pills also told me to do this. There is some kind of enzyme in eggs that helps prevent hangovers or something. I am not talking about eggs that women ovulate, I am talking about the kinds from chickens. There are plenty of all night diners.
5. Buy some vitamin-B complex and aspirin. The aspirin will help with the headache and the vitamin B actually speeds up the metabolism of alcohol in your system. This will hopefully shorten the length of the hangover while also giving you some much needed energy.
6. Throw up and steam. If you are feeling nauseous then just get it over with. You will feel better after. Try to have a hot steamy shower so you can sweat the booze out of your pores. I personally smell like a cheap brewery the next day. I can shower five times and still smell of it. You can only sweat it out.
7. Just keep drinking. I worked with a guy one summer that said he never got a hangover because he just wouldn't sober up. Have a hair of the dog. He used to carry around mouthwash and just drink it. It did the trick for him, and I am sure it did wonders for his dental hygiene.
8. Drink clear booze. The clearer the booze, the less the impurities in it. I am just telling you what I heard.
Or maybe you just shouldn't drink. That never seems to happen though. Think about it though. Everyone is so drunk and slow while you are working at full capabilities. It's like you would be in the matrix. It works in theory anyway.
Happy drinking!!!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
March Madness
I got the fever. This is by far my favorite time of year. The weather starts to get better. There are tons of St. Patty's day celebrations to rationalize heavy consumption of alcohol. Not only is being heavily inebriated expected but it's rewarded.
I kind of laugh when I see people of all nationalities all dressed up in green for St. Patrick's day. It's funny too that everyone over here thinks that corned beef and cabbage is the main dish in Ireland but most never even heard of it. My Irish cousins are tired of stupid American tourists coming over asking about corned beef and cabbage and quoting John Wayne from "The Quiet Man".
I always used to take a personal day the first day of the big dance. I used to feel kind of dishonest but figured there would be no work done anyway. I wasn't up to keeping up with the charade. It definitely calls for a mental health day.
Brackets are fun to do, but I hate when I can't root for an upset just because it will ruin my bracket. I also refuse to do one when WVU is in the tournament because it feels weird having them down for a loss. Not that I think they will win but consider it bad luck rooting against your alma mater.
Let us not forget the tournament ending with the song "One Magic Moment". It's so incredibly cheesy yet I look forward to it culminating March Madness every single year. It ends up being stuck in my head for weeks after.
I also like March because I know the ladies will soon be coming out in their sun dresses and other assorted eye friendly garb.
My posts will probably be a little more sporadic this month but will find times in my short periods of sobriety. I have already had two marathon drinking sessions the last two weeks....one due to a St. Pat's celebration and the other for a WVU basketball game at the Garden.
I got floor seats behind the St. Johns bench. St. Johns started to make a run, and I felt something hit me in the back. Just then I saw that someone threw a St. John's t-shirt at me. I turn around only to see Sweet Lou tossed it at me. The man is 83 but can talk some smack.
I kind of laugh when I see people of all nationalities all dressed up in green for St. Patrick's day. It's funny too that everyone over here thinks that corned beef and cabbage is the main dish in Ireland but most never even heard of it. My Irish cousins are tired of stupid American tourists coming over asking about corned beef and cabbage and quoting John Wayne from "The Quiet Man".
I always used to take a personal day the first day of the big dance. I used to feel kind of dishonest but figured there would be no work done anyway. I wasn't up to keeping up with the charade. It definitely calls for a mental health day.
Brackets are fun to do, but I hate when I can't root for an upset just because it will ruin my bracket. I also refuse to do one when WVU is in the tournament because it feels weird having them down for a loss. Not that I think they will win but consider it bad luck rooting against your alma mater.
Let us not forget the tournament ending with the song "One Magic Moment". It's so incredibly cheesy yet I look forward to it culminating March Madness every single year. It ends up being stuck in my head for weeks after.
I also like March because I know the ladies will soon be coming out in their sun dresses and other assorted eye friendly garb.
My posts will probably be a little more sporadic this month but will find times in my short periods of sobriety. I have already had two marathon drinking sessions the last two weeks....one due to a St. Pat's celebration and the other for a WVU basketball game at the Garden.
I got floor seats behind the St. Johns bench. St. Johns started to make a run, and I felt something hit me in the back. Just then I saw that someone threw a St. John's t-shirt at me. I turn around only to see Sweet Lou tossed it at me. The man is 83 but can talk some smack.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
"This Commercial Sucks!"
You often hear your friends complain about some commercial on TV. A fun way to respond is to pretend as if you never heard them say anything and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you saying something? I was just admiring this great commercial on television and didn't hear what you were saying. I will be shocked if that ad doesn't win a Cleo."
They will be furious and irriatated, but it's a hoot.
They will be furious and irriatated, but it's a hoot.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"Damn Beanos Do Nothing But Drink Ginger Ale And Eat Cheese!"
I know you're asking yourself what a Beano is. A Beano is actually a derogatory term that we came up with for Albanians. You see I grew up in a town where everyone's parents are off the boat from some country. I am actually Irish, and I had a Korean and an Albanian friend growing up in the notoriously rough neighborhood of the 'Skill.
One of our favorite pastimes in our hood was sitting on the stoops of the mean streets of Cresskill and pointing out our differences and ridiculing them until there was permanent emotional scarring. I am Irish so was often told that I was an alcoholic boozer with small genitalia that would fight at the drop of a hat. I would often tell my Asian friend to go prove a theorem. It was a hoot.
Just last week I found out that my new neighbors were letting their dog defecate in my backyard. I asked my Asian friend if I could get a life sized cutout of him wearing an apron to act like a scarecrow so the dogs would stay out of my yard. He then told me he wished my fair skin got exposed to too many UV rays and that I got melanoma and died.
Anyway, our Albanian friend often felt left out because we had no stereotypes to unfairly categorize him with. We felt really guilty that we couldn't ignorantly degrade him and his heritage.
We noticed that every time we went to his house that there was a cheese dish of some kind so we figured we can say that all Albanians love cheese. We also realized that he had ginger ale at his house. So all Albanians love cheese and ginger ale. Brilliant!
Now we needed a horrible racial epithet to scream at him. We did some kind of a word jumble and then came up with "Beano". We weren't finished though so we thought we needed to come up with some ethnic jokes about them too so he would really fit in so here are some that we came up with:
"Hey, did you hear about the Albanian that was scared to go into the fridge? Yeah, he heard there was Muenster(cheese) in there."
"How do you keep a group of Albanians from mugging a guy? Throw them a two liter bottle of Ginger Ale."
"Did you hear about them stopping the Beanos from entering Canada? Yeah, they tried to drink Canada Dry." I know it makes no sense but it deals with Albanians and ginger ale.
Anyway, we started to unfairly stereotype him and his family on a daily basis to his delight. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out that thousands of Albanians were being ethnically cleansed. Who would have known that all I had to do was find a pen pal over there who would have had more than their fair share of stereotypes for me?
I hate to admit though that one of my favorite cuisines of the world is actually Albanian. I love their signature dish of grilled cheese and ginger ale.
One of our favorite pastimes in our hood was sitting on the stoops of the mean streets of Cresskill and pointing out our differences and ridiculing them until there was permanent emotional scarring. I am Irish so was often told that I was an alcoholic boozer with small genitalia that would fight at the drop of a hat. I would often tell my Asian friend to go prove a theorem. It was a hoot.
Just last week I found out that my new neighbors were letting their dog defecate in my backyard. I asked my Asian friend if I could get a life sized cutout of him wearing an apron to act like a scarecrow so the dogs would stay out of my yard. He then told me he wished my fair skin got exposed to too many UV rays and that I got melanoma and died.
Anyway, our Albanian friend often felt left out because we had no stereotypes to unfairly categorize him with. We felt really guilty that we couldn't ignorantly degrade him and his heritage.
We noticed that every time we went to his house that there was a cheese dish of some kind so we figured we can say that all Albanians love cheese. We also realized that he had ginger ale at his house. So all Albanians love cheese and ginger ale. Brilliant!
Now we needed a horrible racial epithet to scream at him. We did some kind of a word jumble and then came up with "Beano". We weren't finished though so we thought we needed to come up with some ethnic jokes about them too so he would really fit in so here are some that we came up with:
"Hey, did you hear about the Albanian that was scared to go into the fridge? Yeah, he heard there was Muenster(cheese) in there."
"How do you keep a group of Albanians from mugging a guy? Throw them a two liter bottle of Ginger Ale."
"Did you hear about them stopping the Beanos from entering Canada? Yeah, they tried to drink Canada Dry." I know it makes no sense but it deals with Albanians and ginger ale.
Anyway, we started to unfairly stereotype him and his family on a daily basis to his delight. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out that thousands of Albanians were being ethnically cleansed. Who would have known that all I had to do was find a pen pal over there who would have had more than their fair share of stereotypes for me?
I hate to admit though that one of my favorite cuisines of the world is actually Albanian. I love their signature dish of grilled cheese and ginger ale.
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