So I am watching a TV show right now about a 2'6" woman who had a baby. The thing that caught my eye is that her boyfriend is a good 5'10". You would just think that birds of a feather flock together, but I actually heard a lot of men really have a thing for little women.
I guess I can see the benefits of dating little women. Their small apendages will make certain things look bigger on a man's body which can only lead to confidence. I also have another friend that points out that little women usually have onion booties. I had a college roommate who once copulated with a little person in public. I thought maybe she was just knealing but then saw her waddle away. He couldn't have been more thrilled and high fives all around. It's not my cup of tea but to each their own.
Earlier today I got an email about a speed dating evening that looked rather intriguing. I would no doubt be swarmed in ladies like moths to a flame after I use the Donkey ice breaker technique which I mentioned in an earlier post. It got me thinking though.
Where do all the little people go to find the average sized people that would love them? Why not put something like this together for them so they can all meet up with each other? I once read where people that go through strenuous physical activities actually form an everlasting bond. What about speed dating/little people tossing? A love connection followed up by an accelerated courtship.
I guess I am an old softy but the thought of an average sized man tossing his newfound lil' soulmate into a padded wall kind of gets me misty. Is there a more romantic image?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Ink
So I was just watching this show LA Ink on TV, and it really got me thinking about getting a tattoo again. What would I get?
People tend to get tattoos that mean a lot to them....shocker. It's usually a portrait of someone they know or some art that is symbolic to them. I think you should definitely stay away from any tribal bands or a tattoo with the name of your significant other(that always seems to be a jinx).
So what is symbolic of me? I really like jalapeno poppers but that would just make me constantly hungry. I really like black panthers ever since I saw Skeletor riding one on Heman but then I would just look like an albino black fundamentalist.
Then it hit me!
Why not get a tattoo that will impress someone in my life that I don't even know yet. I want my future lady to feel special so how could I do that?
Easy. I am going to get a tattoo on my pelvic bone that says "Out of Order". Maybe make it look like a yellow post-it you see on a broken vending machine. Then when we get intimate and it works then she will feel really special. You can say, "Hey, look what you did. It never works. Wow, you got the magic touch." Plus, if I drank too much Malibu and couldn't rise to the occasion then she won't be too upset because she would have read it on the post-it. Talk about covering your bets.
If she is Catholic maybe you can tell her it was a miracle that she pulled off and then write a letter to the pope documenting the miracle and telling him she should be the patron saint of erectile dysfunction. Then you can have a copy of the letter laminated and give it to her as a romantic gift. Can you imagine the pride she will feel as she brags to all her friends how she raised the dead?! She will be a hit of the Tupperware party.
I once wanted to get a tattoo on my "special purpose" that says "Oklahoma City, Oklahoma" so I would have the ultimate punchline at cocktail parties(no pun intended). The tattoo artist said he didn't have the instruments fine enough to complete the job but told me about a guy he saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not that writes poems on a grain of rice.
Anyhow, after a lot of googling I tracked down the rice writer and emailed him a picture of the "empty canvas" he would hopefully be working on. He wrote me back and told me to never talk to him again. Oh well, we all know how eccentric those artists can be.
I am open to any suggestions.
People tend to get tattoos that mean a lot to them....shocker. It's usually a portrait of someone they know or some art that is symbolic to them. I think you should definitely stay away from any tribal bands or a tattoo with the name of your significant other(that always seems to be a jinx).
So what is symbolic of me? I really like jalapeno poppers but that would just make me constantly hungry. I really like black panthers ever since I saw Skeletor riding one on Heman but then I would just look like an albino black fundamentalist.
Then it hit me!
Why not get a tattoo that will impress someone in my life that I don't even know yet. I want my future lady to feel special so how could I do that?
Easy. I am going to get a tattoo on my pelvic bone that says "Out of Order". Maybe make it look like a yellow post-it you see on a broken vending machine. Then when we get intimate and it works then she will feel really special. You can say, "Hey, look what you did. It never works. Wow, you got the magic touch." Plus, if I drank too much Malibu and couldn't rise to the occasion then she won't be too upset because she would have read it on the post-it. Talk about covering your bets.
If she is Catholic maybe you can tell her it was a miracle that she pulled off and then write a letter to the pope documenting the miracle and telling him she should be the patron saint of erectile dysfunction. Then you can have a copy of the letter laminated and give it to her as a romantic gift. Can you imagine the pride she will feel as she brags to all her friends how she raised the dead?! She will be a hit of the Tupperware party.
I once wanted to get a tattoo on my "special purpose" that says "Oklahoma City, Oklahoma" so I would have the ultimate punchline at cocktail parties(no pun intended). The tattoo artist said he didn't have the instruments fine enough to complete the job but told me about a guy he saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not that writes poems on a grain of rice.
Anyhow, after a lot of googling I tracked down the rice writer and emailed him a picture of the "empty canvas" he would hopefully be working on. He wrote me back and told me to never talk to him again. Oh well, we all know how eccentric those artists can be.
I am open to any suggestions.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Ladies Love Athletes
I am not sure why the ladies fall for athletes. I am sure it has to do something about survival of the fittest or some other crazy Darwin theory. I just accept it as a fact and see how I can utilize this.
The problem is that I don't look much like an athlete of any sort. My dad is built like Groundskeeper Willie, but I think that gene might be recessive. I am more on the doughy side. I had to get creative to work around this.
It was the fall of 1996 at West Virginia University at one of the colorful drinking establishments that turned a blind eye to the fact that I was just barely old enough to buy porn. My hormones were racing as two young gymnasts crossed my path. Every red blooded American man dreams of being with a gymnast, and I was no different. The mere sight of a pommel horse gives me the tingles. What is a "doughy" boy to do?
I chugged some Natural Light and grabbed an acquaintance I met earlier in the night to be my wing man as we approached the very bendy young women. "Haven't I seen you ladies around athletic study hall?" The two ingenues looked rather confused as I explained to them that me and my new found friend were actually scholarship badminton players that we were ranked third nationally(I didn't want to get carried away with number one). I figured I could only pass as a badminton player. It wasn't too far fetched.
The night went on as I mesmerized the ladies with stories of my athletic prowess, cat like reflexes and Olympic ambitions. Not to mention they were amazed when I told them that I could make a "shuttlecock" do things they never imagined? See the double meaning there? Yeah, got right to their subconscious and got them thinking. I wasn't a strong finisher and went home blue balled as usual in those days but that acquaintance later became a good friend and future roommate. He also inspired the name of this blog.
Anyway, I had a Eureka moment. I have since gone out under the guise of various lesser known athletes. I am going to start going out as Gerald Phelan. He is the Boston College wide receiver that caught the Hail Mary pass from Doug Flutie. He is several years older than I, but what do they know?
I have a friend who tells women that he's the brother of current Colorado Rockie second baseman Kaz Matsui, or he tells women that his mother was "road meat" and he is actually his love child. The ladies are so enamored that they don't even see that Kaz is the same age as my friend. He even has me in his cell phone as Kaz so he can call me when he is in the company of a young lady so I can pick up and say "Mushi Mushi" which is the common greeting of the Japanese. Matsui's photo also pops up when I call.
The point is...chicks love athletes. If you are in a cold streak then check out espn and find a moderate athlete that you most resemble and hit the town. Give the ladies the thrill of being out with an athlete. Tell her your real identity after she falls in love and she will be so flattered that you went to such lengths to impress her. You guys can then have a nice romantic moment whenever he comes up on espn. Talk about a great story for the grand kids!
Happy hunting everyone!
The problem is that I don't look much like an athlete of any sort. My dad is built like Groundskeeper Willie, but I think that gene might be recessive. I am more on the doughy side. I had to get creative to work around this.
It was the fall of 1996 at West Virginia University at one of the colorful drinking establishments that turned a blind eye to the fact that I was just barely old enough to buy porn. My hormones were racing as two young gymnasts crossed my path. Every red blooded American man dreams of being with a gymnast, and I was no different. The mere sight of a pommel horse gives me the tingles. What is a "doughy" boy to do?
I chugged some Natural Light and grabbed an acquaintance I met earlier in the night to be my wing man as we approached the very bendy young women. "Haven't I seen you ladies around athletic study hall?" The two ingenues looked rather confused as I explained to them that me and my new found friend were actually scholarship badminton players that we were ranked third nationally(I didn't want to get carried away with number one). I figured I could only pass as a badminton player. It wasn't too far fetched.
The night went on as I mesmerized the ladies with stories of my athletic prowess, cat like reflexes and Olympic ambitions. Not to mention they were amazed when I told them that I could make a "shuttlecock" do things they never imagined? See the double meaning there? Yeah, got right to their subconscious and got them thinking. I wasn't a strong finisher and went home blue balled as usual in those days but that acquaintance later became a good friend and future roommate. He also inspired the name of this blog.
Anyway, I had a Eureka moment. I have since gone out under the guise of various lesser known athletes. I am going to start going out as Gerald Phelan. He is the Boston College wide receiver that caught the Hail Mary pass from Doug Flutie. He is several years older than I, but what do they know?
I have a friend who tells women that he's the brother of current Colorado Rockie second baseman Kaz Matsui, or he tells women that his mother was "road meat" and he is actually his love child. The ladies are so enamored that they don't even see that Kaz is the same age as my friend. He even has me in his cell phone as Kaz so he can call me when he is in the company of a young lady so I can pick up and say "Mushi Mushi" which is the common greeting of the Japanese. Matsui's photo also pops up when I call.
The point is...chicks love athletes. If you are in a cold streak then check out espn and find a moderate athlete that you most resemble and hit the town. Give the ladies the thrill of being out with an athlete. Tell her your real identity after she falls in love and she will be so flattered that you went to such lengths to impress her. You guys can then have a nice romantic moment whenever he comes up on espn. Talk about a great story for the grand kids!
Happy hunting everyone!
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Ultimate Ice Breaker with the Ladies!
"Hey there, so do you like Donkeys?"
Right there is the ultimate ice breaker of all time. Why? It's the common denominator for all women. Everyone knows that ALL women love donkeys.
Remember as kids when girls would have posters of puppies and kittens? We all know that is because they were always low on posters of baby donkeys frolicking in the fields. And of course you remember girls playing with My Little Pony. We all know that My Little Pony were the cheap knock off version of My Little Donkey. It was like what the Gobots were to Transformers.
What is a synonym or Donkey? That's right....ASS. It subconsciously gets girls thinking of ass so when you walk away put a little swivel in your hips and the ladies will be leaving a trail on the bar stool like a snail. A stimulating conversation about donkeys will do nothing but have her conjuring up happy nostalgic memories while thinking about your ass. That is what you call a win-win.
Let us also not forget how this can be used as a screening process. If a woman doesn't like donkeys do we really want anything to do with her? Any woman who can't see the beauty in a donkey definitely has some deep seeded issues. You should suggest a good psychiatrist to see and then run until you can't run no more. Drink some Gatorade and stretch and run and run and run until you can't run any more.
I am actually shocked how many ladies in NYC don't love donkeys, and I find it rather disturbing.
ADDED BONUS....When she ultimately starts to get turned on from all of the donkey talk, whisper in her ear "Hee Haw." It will send her over the top. I hope you have a pocket full of condoms and a dental dam.
Enjoy this weekend and let me know how the donkey talk works out.
Right there is the ultimate ice breaker of all time. Why? It's the common denominator for all women. Everyone knows that ALL women love donkeys.
Remember as kids when girls would have posters of puppies and kittens? We all know that is because they were always low on posters of baby donkeys frolicking in the fields. And of course you remember girls playing with My Little Pony. We all know that My Little Pony were the cheap knock off version of My Little Donkey. It was like what the Gobots were to Transformers.
What is a synonym or Donkey? That's right....ASS. It subconsciously gets girls thinking of ass so when you walk away put a little swivel in your hips and the ladies will be leaving a trail on the bar stool like a snail. A stimulating conversation about donkeys will do nothing but have her conjuring up happy nostalgic memories while thinking about your ass. That is what you call a win-win.
Let us also not forget how this can be used as a screening process. If a woman doesn't like donkeys do we really want anything to do with her? Any woman who can't see the beauty in a donkey definitely has some deep seeded issues. You should suggest a good psychiatrist to see and then run until you can't run no more. Drink some Gatorade and stretch and run and run and run until you can't run any more.
I am actually shocked how many ladies in NYC don't love donkeys, and I find it rather disturbing.
ADDED BONUS....When she ultimately starts to get turned on from all of the donkey talk, whisper in her ear "Hee Haw." It will send her over the top. I hope you have a pocket full of condoms and a dental dam.
Enjoy this weekend and let me know how the donkey talk works out.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Enter my domain!
SERENITY NOW!!!
I often would yell that in times of high stress. One day it bubbled over to the point where I was so full of rage that I blacked out and was last seen taunting a short yellow bus on a class trip. All I recall is a lazy eyed boy with a cow lick pummeling me with his size 8 orthopedic shoes. It was just then I realized my form of therapy wasn't necessarily the most effective.
I had an epiphany that I should find a forum where I can pour out all of my thoughts that I kept bottled up. Instead of taking out my angst on the slow witted people of America, I thought I would vent to those on the world wide web. That being said, I came up with this blog.
I came up with the name of The Athletic Knee because the term means a lot to me. Our football coach invited us to take an athletic knee as he reminded us of our many shortcomings as humans. My old college roommate also put a fun spin on the athletic knee as well. So here I am! I will explore many topics such as my inept attempts to copulate with women, my views on sports and current events and other random observations that I have shared in the past that have landed me with the school psychiatrist and a petition being passed around to have me sterilized for the good of society.
I often would yell that in times of high stress. One day it bubbled over to the point where I was so full of rage that I blacked out and was last seen taunting a short yellow bus on a class trip. All I recall is a lazy eyed boy with a cow lick pummeling me with his size 8 orthopedic shoes. It was just then I realized my form of therapy wasn't necessarily the most effective.
I had an epiphany that I should find a forum where I can pour out all of my thoughts that I kept bottled up. Instead of taking out my angst on the slow witted people of America, I thought I would vent to those on the world wide web. That being said, I came up with this blog.
I came up with the name of The Athletic Knee because the term means a lot to me. Our football coach invited us to take an athletic knee as he reminded us of our many shortcomings as humans. My old college roommate also put a fun spin on the athletic knee as well. So here I am! I will explore many topics such as my inept attempts to copulate with women, my views on sports and current events and other random observations that I have shared in the past that have landed me with the school psychiatrist and a petition being passed around to have me sterilized for the good of society.
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