I am not sure why the ladies fall for athletes. I am sure it has to do something about survival of the fittest or some other crazy Darwin theory. I just accept it as a fact and see how I can utilize this.
The problem is that I don't look much like an athlete of any sort. My dad is built like Groundskeeper Willie, but I think that gene might be recessive. I am more on the doughy side. I had to get creative to work around this.
It was the fall of 1996 at West Virginia University at one of the colorful drinking establishments that turned a blind eye to the fact that I was just barely old enough to buy porn. My hormones were racing as two young gymnasts crossed my path. Every red blooded American man dreams of being with a gymnast, and I was no different. The mere sight of a pommel horse gives me the tingles. What is a "doughy" boy to do?
I chugged some Natural Light and grabbed an acquaintance I met earlier in the night to be my wing man as we approached the very bendy young women. "Haven't I seen you ladies around athletic study hall?" The two ingenues looked rather confused as I explained to them that me and my new found friend were actually scholarship badminton players that we were ranked third nationally(I didn't want to get carried away with number one). I figured I could only pass as a badminton player. It wasn't too far fetched.
The night went on as I mesmerized the ladies with stories of my athletic prowess, cat like reflexes and Olympic ambitions. Not to mention they were amazed when I told them that I could make a "shuttlecock" do things they never imagined? See the double meaning there? Yeah, got right to their subconscious and got them thinking. I wasn't a strong finisher and went home blue balled as usual in those days but that acquaintance later became a good friend and future roommate. He also inspired the name of this blog.
Anyway, I had a Eureka moment. I have since gone out under the guise of various lesser known athletes. I am going to start going out as Gerald Phelan. He is the Boston College wide receiver that caught the Hail Mary pass from Doug Flutie. He is several years older than I, but what do they know?
I have a friend who tells women that he's the brother of current Colorado Rockie second baseman Kaz Matsui, or he tells women that his mother was "road meat" and he is actually his love child. The ladies are so enamored that they don't even see that Kaz is the same age as my friend. He even has me in his cell phone as Kaz so he can call me when he is in the company of a young lady so I can pick up and say "Mushi Mushi" which is the common greeting of the Japanese. Matsui's photo also pops up when I call.
The point is...chicks love athletes. If you are in a cold streak then check out espn and find a moderate athlete that you most resemble and hit the town. Give the ladies the thrill of being out with an athlete. Tell her your real identity after she falls in love and she will be so flattered that you went to such lengths to impress her. You guys can then have a nice romantic moment whenever he comes up on espn. Talk about a great story for the grand kids!
Happy hunting everyone!
