Ink

So I was just watching this show LA Ink on TV, and it really got me thinking about getting a tattoo again. What would I get?

People tend to get tattoos that mean a lot to them....shocker. It's usually a portrait of someone they know or some art that is symbolic to them. I think you should definitely stay away from any tribal bands or a tattoo with the name of your significant other(that always seems to be a jinx).

So what is symbolic of me? I really like jalapeno poppers but that would just make me constantly hungry. I really like black panthers ever since I saw Skeletor riding one on Heman but then I would just look like an albino black fundamentalist.

Then it hit me!

Why not get a tattoo that will impress someone in my life that I don't even know yet. I want my future lady to feel special so how could I do that?

Easy. I am going to get a tattoo on my pelvic bone that says "Out of Order". Maybe make it look like a yellow post-it you see on a broken vending machine. Then when we get intimate and it works then she will feel really special. You can say, "Hey, look what you did. It never works. Wow, you got the magic touch." Plus, if I drank too much Malibu and couldn't rise to the occasion then she won't be too upset because she would have read it on the post-it. Talk about covering your bets.

If she is Catholic maybe you can tell her it was a miracle that she pulled off and then write a letter to the pope documenting the miracle and telling him she should be the patron saint of erectile dysfunction. Then you can have a copy of the letter laminated and give it to her as a romantic gift. Can you imagine the pride she will feel as she brags to all her friends how she raised the dead?! She will be a hit of the Tupperware party.

I once wanted to get a tattoo on my "special purpose" that says "Oklahoma City, Oklahoma" so I would have the ultimate punchline at cocktail parties(no pun intended). The tattoo artist said he didn't have the instruments fine enough to complete the job but told me about a guy he saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not that writes poems on a grain of rice.

Anyhow, after a lot of googling I tracked down the rice writer and emailed him a picture of the "empty canvas" he would hopefully be working on. He wrote me back and told me to never talk to him again. Oh well, we all know how eccentric those artists can be.

I am open to any suggestions.