Anal Maintenance

So it's opening day, and I noticed that my friend's father Kaz Matsui is out with anal fissures. It sounded painful so I looked it up and found that it is a tear in the anal lining. It's literally tearing a new asshole. It has me thinking of a topic that is very near and dear to my heart.

Anal maintenance.

I remember as a kid when my dad would go off to the bathroom at the ass crack of dawn(no pun intended). My mom would pack him a lunch, and my father would give me a speach telling me that I was the man of the house while he was gone. Then night would come and the door would swing open and my dad would emerge with five o'clock shadow and toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

My roommate in college took it to an entirely new level. He actually would spend his mornings highlighting his material that he would later read in the toilet. Then he would prepare the bathroom by positioning the fan that it would blow on him at just the right angle and laying his reading material consisting of everything from world news to porn in front of him.

Then he would change into his "shitting" clothes. Most people have gym clothes but he had mesh shorts and a green Rolling Rock t-shirt that he changed into just to go to the bathroom. He then would come out and tell us about all the great things he had read and about the consistency and texture of his bowel movements. He was always elated when he had "floaters" as he said they were a sign of good diet and good luck.

It was then I learned about grown men using baby wipes. He claims to be "dingleberry free since '93". This is a man who can talk anal maintenance at depth at dinner parties. It got me thinking. Anal maintenance is really overlooked.

People with outhouses actually use a leaf. I can only imagine waking up one morning and seeing a sunflower growing out my ass. People in India actually shake hands using their left hand as it is said the right is used for wiping. I can't even imagine.

One ply is just like taking a high grain sandpaper to your ass. Do you really want to risk anal fissures or worse? My old roommate says that toilet paper is for peasants. I have to say that I do concur.

I think my father and my roommate had it right though. Take your time and enjoy. Pushing too hard can cause hemorhoids. Take some time to smell the roses....or smell anything other than your fecal matter.

You should also learn some common courtesy. Take a match and always do a courtesy flush.

So to sum it up:

1. Get reading material. Maybe join a book club.
2. Make it a joyous event and take your time
3. Get some baby wipes
4. Courtesy flush always
5. Light a match

Take care of your ass. You were only born with one.