Cat Calls Are a Hoot!

Back in my college days I worked summers humping furniture(both figuratively and literally) with a moving company. My dad got me the job, but every other guy there got the job through their parole officer. They often sat around and told old prison stories, and my stories of office detention for tardiness didn't quite measure up to their stories of anal rape and shankings. I had no street cred.

Then one day I found a way I could bond with them. I noticed that they like to shout lewd comments to women that passed by. I guess years of being locked in prison makes your standards drop significantly because it appeared that their only criteria was that they couldn't have a Y chromosome.

I observed a morbidly obese woman pass by as a co-worker by the name of Crackhead Daryl told her that he would manipulate the folds of her cellulite so that he could perform a sexual act on it. He then slapped me five and told me he wants to impregnate her. Crackhead Daryl's cousin suddenly took a liking to a senior citizen passing by on a scooter and painted quite a colorful picture as to what he would do to this lady and had rather creative ways of incorporating an adult diaper, colostomy bag and surgical tubing. I just hope that her miracle ear wasn't working

I was very careful to point out that their close rate didn't seem to be too high, and they told me that it was a numbers game and one was bound to eventually say yes. I then asked them how many they have closed in this manner. They instantly got mad and said that I would be sold as someone's bitch for 2 packs of cigarettes in the pen. I think I blew up their spot but felt it was a compliment in a weird way that they thought I was handsome enough to be somebody's bitch. Was I growing on them?

It was coffee break, and I was drinking some Mountain Dew and munching on my coffee cake when I saw a middle aged woman with varicose veins and a cleft pallet roll by. It was my time to show my co-workers that I was what they called "hood". I strolled out there and yelled to her, "I WANT TO DATE YOU EXCLUSIVELY!"

I thought I could be direct without being so vulgar, but the middle aged woman was less than impressed and laughed at me. My co-workers laughed at me and called me Opie Cunningham. I never did fit in that summer.

I am 0 for 34 so far with that line, but Crackhead Daryl said that it's all a numbers game. I know that it is due.