"Your face is a _____________"

A few years ago my friend had a verbal altercation that changed our lives forever. It seemed like your garden variety ranking session but the ultimate comeback was born. Let me show you a reenactment:

Friend 1: "I think Joan River's daughter Melissa is smoking hot."

Friend 2: "Are you on crack? Melissa Rivers is busted. You have no taste in women."

Friend 1: "You have no taste in women."

Friend 2: "That is a lame comeback."

Friend 1: "Your face is a lame comeback."

Friend 2: "Ummmm......ummmmm.....what?!"

See the brilliance in the "your face" comment? It is so incredibly dull and unfunny that it's absolutely devastating. You have such a short window of opportunity to comeback with something, and you're sitting there dumbfounded by how apparently bad the comeback is that it's actually brilliant. You actually flip the script on them by coming back with what apparently seems to be the worst comeback ever.

My friends told me about the conversation, and I instantly knew what Benjamin Franklin must have felt like when that kite with the key singed the hair off his balls.

I instantly waited for my opportunity to put it to the test.

Friend: "You look gay in that pink shirt."

Declan: "Oh, do I? I think I look rather fetching?"

Friend: "No, you looking like a flaming homosexual."(I knew this was my shot)

Declan: "Your face is a flaming homosexual!"

The dude looked like Chuck Norris kicked him square in the temple. His brain was on sensory overload. It was insanely clever in its simplicity.

Friend: "Umm....uhhh...what? My face is a homosexual? That might be the worst comeback I ever heard!"

Declan: "Your face is a worst."

Friend: "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

Declan: "Your face is a sense."

Now he was irate, but his mind tried to fight fire with fire.

Friend: "Your face is a sense."

Declan: "Your face is a face."

His eyes got misty. I never felt so powerful in my life. This was some Jedi mind sh*t. He looked like Glass Joe getting hit by Mike Tyson punches.

For years we used the "your face" comeback and there was simply no retort. We tried focus groups and think tanks of some brilliant minds but there was no comeback.

Then one day we were talking to a young intern when he told us about a poor young adolescent who was having his sexuality questioned in a public forum of his peers. He raised up as rehearsed many times in his bedroom when someone called him gay and said, "You're gay in your pants."

EUREKA!!!

A comeback to rival the "your face" comeback! Jonas Salk cures polio and this girly guy comes up with "your ______ in your pants". Quite frankly, I don't think Jonas Salk has anything on this girly guy. That is simply brilliant. Just look at it in action:

Friend: "You're gay."

Declan: "Your face is a gay."

Friend: "Your gay in your pants!"

Normally I would be pushing over the other guy with a feather and collecting high fives after the "your face", but that was completely neutralized now with the "your gay in your pants" comeback.

The interesting thing is that it doesn't have to be "your gay in your pants". It is completely interchangeable. The one catch though is that it doesn't bridge the gender gap. It pretty much only works on other guys. It just doesn't have the same feel when referring to women unless it's a trans-gender.

The search goes on to bridge this gap. I will put in the hours until I find the solution.

The fact is the "your mother" comeback is just overplayed and not very creative. Plus, you're going to feel like an ass if you find someone who is motherless. Everyone has a face though, and you take a swing at their vanity. It's brilliant in it's simplicity.

The comeback has been mostly predominant in the northern NJ/NYC area, but has made its way to Ireland and Texas most recently. My eyes well up with pride when I think of the day when I turn on the nightly world news and see Arabs telling a Jew that his face is a Zionist and the Arab yelling back that he is Zionist in his pants.

I will know that I have made my impact in the world.