C*ck Blocking is a Hoot!

I am not quite sure when it started, but my friends and I have made a game out of preventing each other from having sexual relations. It's a really fun game except for the fact that it usually results in not having sex. Looking back, I am amazed at how the game has developed through the years. Here is how it went on in the early years:

Myself: "Hey, do you like Donkeys?"

Female: "Oh my god, I LOOOOVE Donkeys. You know what I love most about donkeys? blah blah blan"

Myself: "Yes, they are fascinating and amazing creatures..."

Just as I start to capitalize on the moment I feel a sudden kick to my glutes with the force of an Ivan Drago punch as documented in Rocky 4. I turn around to see my Asian friend has just completed a Chuck Norris style roundhouse kick to my tailbone. What is a man to do?

Instant retaliation of course. I drop the girl in a heartbeat and proceed to chase the culprit and completely ignore my potential soulmate.

Roundhouse kick to the ass seemed to be our favorite move for a while. You can get a lot of torgue and the pain is instantaneous. Ironically, a punch to the balls isn't nearly as fun because you have that 30 seconds before the pain sets in so your friend can save face in front of the girl and walk away. What is the fun in that?

Most mornings I would wake up with a hangover, bruised tailbone and blue balls. The game evolved though.

The roundhouse kick soon became passe. I wanted a signature move so I took to actually climbing bar stools and leaping towards my friend ala Jimmy Super Fly Snooka and would take out my friend with a flying forearm shiver. You should have seen the look on the girls faces as they saw a caucasian leaping from the sky and knocking down their gentleman caller(my track coach told me I had natural leaping ability).

Next came the dry hump. This is timeless and still one of my favorites. Wait until your friend has built rapport and move in. Just as numbers are about to be exhanged, sneak over to your friend and dry hump him like you're a dog with a throbbing red rocket. The look on their faces will be priceless. There is no way to talk your way out of this one.

We then started the advanced cock block, and this is brilliant fun. Let your friend get comfortable to the point where he goes on a date or two with a girl. Your friend finds a girl he actually likes and does everything right. He acts aloof and his pimp hand is strong. There definitely seems to be mutual interest and long term potential, but it is still at a highly volatile stage. Here are some of my favorites lines to say which you should try this weekend:

"Hey, all my friend does is talk about you all the time. His nickname for you is 'The One'. He told me to prepare my best man's speech."

"Oh my God. He never shuts up about you. It's always (insert name here) this or (insert name here) that. (insert name here) is the coolest and hottest girl ever."

"I am so glad he is giving women a shot again. He has done more than his share of experimenting in college and beyond. Maybe now he can throw out those leather chaps."

"So are you going to be the next girl calling him a hundred times asking him why it burns when you pee now?"

I mean the possibilities are endless, and feel free to mix and match or add some. I want to talk to an MIT grad to maybe develop a C*ck block rating comparable to the QB rating that they use in the NFL. Maybe use the scale of the girl from 1-10 with style points for degree of difficulty.

Sometimes when I am sitting there not having sexual relations, I think back to all the times that my friends ruined my chances of fornicating with hot women and laugh and laugh and laugh. To this day I still tense up any time that I speak to a beautiful woman. No, it's not the fear of rejection. It's mostly my body tensing up to protect myself from an imminent blow to the body. I guess it's kind of like Pavlov's dog.

So have a great weekend and enjoy denying your friends of sexual pleasure. It will be a hoot.